I lived in a state of full disassociation.
The present did not matter because it could not matter. It wasn’t real.
My body and mind were instruments for getting the life-saving freedom I needed, and nothing else mattered. Nothing.
I think it’s hard to comprehend a life-and-death situation unless you’ve lived it.
It’s different when you feel it daily.
But what’s worse is when all the real dangers go away and the stress and anxiety don’t. The reflexes stay. The vigilance stays. You’re still bracing for something that isn’t coming.
Calm felt unfamiliar. Foreign. Like a place I wasn’t supposed to be.
But it starts to become comfortable once you realize it’s the right decision. The right place to stay.
Not an escape, but a landing.
What pulls me into the present now is creating. That’s when I feel anchored. That’s when the old reflexes quiet down.
And I feel grateful.